


Carpe Diem

by crystalclaire



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Dead Neil Perry (Dead Poets Society), I cried while writing this, M/M, neil and todd desereved better, neil's suicide note, todd writes a poem to neil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-21 19:33:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30026751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystalclaire/pseuds/crystalclaire
Summary: Carpe DiemNeil Perry’s suicide note and a poem by Todd Anderson from Dead Poets Society (1989)Neil wrote a note before he killed himself. His mother found the envelope, with two pieces of paper inside, one for his parents, and the other folded up in a square with "dps" written on the outside.
Relationships: Todd Anderson & Neil Perry, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	Carpe Diem

So, Good Night Unto You All.

Father, Mother, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the son you wanted.  
I know I’ve disappointed you, Father. I just can’t live the life you’ve planned for me. I can’t breathe in that life.  
I can’t breathe in my life now. I’m gasping for air everyday, but I just can’t anymore. I’m sorry. 

Mother, could you make sure the second paper in this envelope gets to Charlie at school?

Boys, please know I didn’t want to leave you. I love you guys. I had no choice. You know what it’s like,  
to be trapped in a future that isn’t your own. I couldn’t do it. You all probably think my obsession with  
acting is new, but I’ve been acting my whole life. Not around you, most of the time, but I was always acting.  
And I just couldn’t anymore. It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. 

Todd, I’m not asking you to forget me, but please don’t get too hung up on this. You have so much in you.  
You just need to speak up. I’m not going to be there with you anymore, so you’ll have to speak up on your own now.  
But you can do it. You’re going to say things and people are going to listen. Please, live a good life, live a life that  
makes you happy. Do what I couldn’t. I don’t want to see you for many, many years, alright?  
But I'll see you again, Todd. You’ll see me again.

From The Moment We Enter Crying To The Moment We Leave Dying.

I’ve never liked waking up —  
you know how long it takes me to fall asleep.  
But now opening my eyes terrifies me.  
That morning after the play, when Charlie shook me awake  
Tears streaming and drying down his cheeks  
I swear my heart stopped.  
Air was ripped from my lungs,  
An invisible weight pressed down between my ribs  
I was choking on my own spit,  
Bile surging in my throat.

The snow was still falling that morning  
The air around us blue and sleepy.  
You would have liked it.  
I wonder, was the snow still falling  
When you last looked out a window?  
Or did it stop for a moment?  
When Charlie pressed that same snow to my face as I sobbed  
All I could think was  
You wouldn’t have left us.  
Why are you gone?  
How is it that I’m going to wake up tomorrow  
And the day after,  
And you will not be lying on the cot across from me?

That day in Keating’s class,  
As I spoke of living and dying,  
Were you already planning to leave?


End file.
